Thursday, August 30, 2012

Freedom




          

         The regime, oppressive, asking for documents. 
         They keep pace, just behind me. 
         I won’t look back at them, for looking back is guilt.
         And I am guilty.

         The fugitive, keeping secrets, surviving underground.
         She signals, just ahead. 
         I won’t run to her, for running is desperate.
         And I am desperate.

         There is much I will give up
         If they catch up to me.
         I’ll have to live like someone else.

         There is much I will give up
         If I can reach her first.
         I’ll have to live like myself.



Saturday, August 25, 2012

Dad


My dad is known as "Papa" by the kids.  

Here are some photos from our Maine trip.


Papa telling stories to Daniel and my niece Maya.  
He has traditional sailor tattoos (anchors and seahorses and such).


Papa took Daniel and my nephew John fishing



                                                

Papa has a commemorative VFW stone at this monument in Bucksport, Maine


This is the stone showing his years of service in Vietnam


With John and Daniel


Full view with the flags of each military branch plus the US flag.  The black stones in the center 
(and the single black stone on the right side) belong to those who died while serving.




Friday, August 10, 2012

Grace




             when you opened my heart
             I closed my eyes

             blind 

             I pressed against your voice
             until I felt you close to me
             close enough to hear you say
             my treasured name
             but I did not answer

             mute

             when I closed my heart
             you opened my eyes

             now I see



Thursday, August 9, 2012

Questions


Daniel is asking the same questions I began to ask at his age.  Why did “I” come into the world as part of this family at this time and not in some other time and place?  He’s conscious now that he has consciousness, and wonders if the generation of this consciousness in this place and time can be intentional, have a purpose.  On the heels of this question comes the next difficulty:  If the Universe began with a big bang, what made the big bang happen?  How is it possible for something to exist where there was nothing?  He’s discovered two of life’s most perplexing mysteries.    

He tells me he believes in God.  He tells me he’s happy for having life, whatever the reason, happy he’s got this “I” and gets to exist and experience things like soccer and swimming in the ocean and friendship.  There’s so much wisdom and compassion and gratitude in his little body already.  It’s what I have desperately wanted for him: that he will recognize the sanctity and dignity of his soul, that he will be a light in this world---a good person who can love and appreciate simple gifts.  

Recently he was mocked for something he didn’t know.  And he felt bad.  But he was also sad for the kid who mocked him.  Didn’t this other kid understand that he was just starting to learn?  Isn’t it the case that we all have things we don’t know about yet?  Why not help, why not inform, why not teach?  Why condemn ignorance or error?  He didn’t turn the shame inward as I might have done at his age (or at my current age, for that matter).  I have a nine-year-old who, at least sometimes, turns the other cheek and pities the tyrant.

I wonder.  Last year, Daniel watched “Catching Hell,” a documentary that tells the story of Steve Bartman, a Cubs fan who became the scapegoat for an entire stadium and then an entire city for doing what any fan would do---going for a ball that came his way in the stands: a ball that might have been caught by Moises Alou for a second out late in a pivotal game 6 of the National Championship series.  Yet the outcome of that game had everything to do with how the Cubs played the remainder of the game.  It was one play, an iffy one at that.  How did it come about that someone had to be crucified?  An angry mob, fanned by media focus, identified this bespectacled, devoted Cubs fan named Steve Bartman.  A chant went up in the crowd.  Steve was eventually escorted by security out of the stadium while spectators spit on him, hurled obscenities and threw things at him.  The mounting force of mob hysteria in the stadium that day evolved into relentless persecution of this fellow in the media and in the community for years after.  This is a guy who had to change his address, his phone number and the name on his credit card out of fear of being assaulted.  

My sweet boy grieved that night for Steve Bartman and the unjustified contempt this innocent man bravely and gracefully endured.  He asked if I thought he was okay now, if things got better for him, if people had stopped hating him.   He couldn’t sleep.   

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Magic


A month ago a Mephistophelian magic-worker was stalking me.  It was his dark trim beard and his seeing into my fearfulness that told me he was after my soul.  He warned me that he was going to “get me,” and that I should go prepare for this certain outcome, but he said this calmly, almost playfully, without pursuing me just then.  I too had superpowers, and I used them to prepare a defense.  I fused the doorways shut to my hiding place with electric heat that came from my fingers.  He disguised himself as a friendly blonde chap and fooled me into letting him in, demonstrating that he could get in whenever he wanted, laughingly amused by my efforts to keep him out but still not actively chasing me.  I escaped to an abandoned building, where I discovered a mighty, organic, double-stalked (heh) power-generating plant that was providing energy to the entire compound (it was even, I realized, powering my own magical fingers and my stalker’s shape-shifting ability). 


In this morning’s dream, the same Mephistophelian fellow and I were working together making an inventory of magical objects in an abandoned apartment late at night.  I would describe the object, he would write down my description in his notebook.  He was the specialist/interpreter, I was the witness/testifier.  We were to fully describe and safeguard the objects, almost like a forensics team.  Many of the objects were masks, invested with powerful energies, some of them quite sinister.  They had all been deactivated for the moment, but I sensed I could not, while describing them, gaze at them too long with selfish interest.  If I invested any degree of my own fascination into the examination and description, any kind of admiring energy, this would activate them, with unpredictable consequences.  There was one in particular I hoped to avoid awakening, as I felt a lot of destruction would be unleashed if it opened its eyes.  But it was the most fascinating to me.  I tried my best to be careful and neutral while describing it.


The magic specialist and I went to the basement of this building, the laundry room, to have a chat about the inventory away from the sleeping but potent masks.  I told him of my fear of awakening the masks while testifying about them.  He was not much taller than me, solidly built, and he was younger, in his early thirties.  He had the trim beard of my earlier dream, the same slightly receding hairline, and the same sense of certainty and fearlessness in his demeanor; he reassured me that he would confront and neutralize anything that got awakened.  He demonstrated his method of neutralizing dark energy by placing his right hand over my heart while looking into my eyes and reciting a forceful incantation that would banish any demon.  I knew I could trust him completely, that he had gone harrowing in dark places before, was partly supernatural himself, and that he understood these demons and had the power to neutralize them; and I felt relieved, safe. 

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I Am


In this morning's dream, a young boy with long wavy hair rapidly sketched a self-portrait using charcoal.  Instead of signing it with his name, he signed it "I Am", and held it up for me to see.

I'm grateful for my dreams.

 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Secure


Yesterday, I was driving Daniel home from Mathnasium.  In the back seat, he was going on at length about his progress in Zelda (a video game that involves quests and problem solving).  In a single description of an adventure sequence, my nine-year-old used the words “clever,” “vast” and “facility.”   I can’t believe how linguistically comfortable this kid is.  


I’ve been struggling creatively and logically, lately.  Let me ask this child whose mind is quick and unencumbered and who likes words as much as I do:  What is a good theme for a puzzle?  His idea was a good one.  In writing out some possible theme entries, I hit upon a twist that might be elegant.  I checked potential theme answers against the database to make sure this puzzle hasn’t been done.  I’m letting the cluing style develop at a natural pace, checking my facts, making sure I’m not generating disconnected bullshit or incomprehensible nonsense.  I might be back in the game.  It remains to be seen.


What else is there to say?  A powerful inflation took hold of me recently.  I have ping-ponged between poisonous insecurity and delusions of genius, the whole time being undisciplined and chaotic in my process and in my communication.  When a validating mirror was withdrawn, things got a lot worse for me.  My heart has been literally aching with self-doubt, envy, fury, despair and love.  I just had to sit with those things and let them exist.  When I say “literally” aching, I mean this: a clenched burning in my chest most of the day, a physical sensation.   But also this underlying intuition:  Something important is happening.  Let this fire burn itself out and see what remains.  Something will remain---the thing that's true, the thing I need.