Secure

Yesterday, I was driving Daniel home from Mathnasium.  In the back seat, he was going on at length about his progress in Zelda (a video game that involves quests and problem solving).  In a single description of an adventure sequence, my nine-year-old used the words “clever,” “vast” and “facility.”   I can’t believe how linguistically comfortable this kid is.  

I’ve been struggling creatively and logically, lately.  Let me ask this child whose mind is quick and unencumbered and who likes words as much as I do:  What is a good theme for a puzzle?  His idea was a good one.  In writing out some possible theme entries, I hit upon a twist that might be elegant.  I checked potential theme answers against the database to make sure this puzzle hasn’t been done.  I’m letting the cluing style develop at a natural pace, checking my facts, making sure I’m not generating disconnected bullshit or incomprehensible nonsense.  I might be back in the game.  It remains to be seen.

What else is there to say?  A powerful inflation took hold of me recently.  I have ping-ponged between poisonous insecurity and delusions of genius, the whole time being undisciplined and chaotic in my process and in my communication.  When a validating mirror was withdrawn, things got a lot worse for me.  My heart has been literally aching with self-doubt, envy, fury, despair and love.  I just had to sit with those things and let them exist.  When I say “literally” aching, I mean this: a clenched burning in my chest most of the day, a physical sensation.   But also this underlying intuition:  Something important is happening.  Let this fire burn itself out and see what remains.  Something will remain---the thing that's true, the thing I need.