Tuesday, September 29, 2015
eclipsed
shadow on the moon
you will not last
lush darkness has its time
crossing my heart
then I am bright again
some call it beautiful
but all this beaming
isn't me
i never shine
until caressed by light
Monday, August 31, 2015
Lighten up
Today, things feel lighter than they've felt in a long time. That gap between the life I'm living and the life I think I want isn't large. I can't point to anyone or anything that needs to transform in order for "happiness" to occur, not even myself. Funny how things change most noticeably when I stop wishing they would change. I'm not even sure I want to be "happy" in the sense of smiling all the time. Mostly I want to be human and let myself feel all my feelings without pretense or shame.
I've tried on some attitudes these last few years. Jealous competitor. Angry feminist. Snarky reviewer. Unrequited lover. Underappreciated artist. I don't regret trying these energies, and they're still aspects of my soul and my ongoing story, but they don't function or fit as prolonged strategies for dealing with life.
When I think of words people have used to describe me, the ones that I most wanted to be true when I heard them were: "kind," "authentic," "genuine," "brave" and "goofy."
Clever, intelligent, accomplished, funny, witty ... these not so much. There's no resonance when I hear these words, like there is with the first list.
I will explore areas where I sense energy is already beckoning, if that makes any sense, where grace seems to activate in my life or where it's been pulling me. Every time I go with the river instead of pushing it something synchronistic happens. Something like a breakthrough or a confirmation of my path occurs.
I've tried on some attitudes these last few years. Jealous competitor. Angry feminist. Snarky reviewer. Unrequited lover. Underappreciated artist. I don't regret trying these energies, and they're still aspects of my soul and my ongoing story, but they don't function or fit as prolonged strategies for dealing with life.
When I think of words people have used to describe me, the ones that I most wanted to be true when I heard them were: "kind," "authentic," "genuine," "brave" and "goofy."
Clever, intelligent, accomplished, funny, witty ... these not so much. There's no resonance when I hear these words, like there is with the first list.
I will explore areas where I sense energy is already beckoning, if that makes any sense, where grace seems to activate in my life or where it's been pulling me. Every time I go with the river instead of pushing it something synchronistic happens. Something like a breakthrough or a confirmation of my path occurs.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
the skinny
I've gained back all the weight I lost two years ago, when I was pining away. Now I will be present, available, at home, and fat. Love is abiding, though it ebbs and flows. Love can wait, and keep on waiting, tapping its foot like a customer in line.
I'm reading "The life-changing magic of tidying up." I'm to hold each object and ask myself: "does this spark joy?" I'm to keep only those items that spark joy. This is the KonMari method. One client ended up letting go of a husband using the KonMari method. I have let go of 15 bags of clothing. Next I will tackle the books. Love can be honest with itself, if it must. It may be limitless, but there are limits.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Anxiety Nocturne
I don't need much for me and never have
one best friend, a head full of dreams
a black and white cat
who understands
a window showing stars at night
I miss being the child
now I'm the root, not the bud
and I'm still not used to how
it's not me blossoming
though he blossoms
and I see me
he hasn't learned to be resourceful
it seems I have taught him
to dream and to laugh and to sing
not to save
god help us
one best friend, a head full of dreams
a black and white cat
who understands
a window showing stars at night
I miss being the child
now I'm the root, not the bud
and I'm still not used to how
it's not me blossoming
though he blossoms
and I see me
he hasn't learned to be resourceful
it seems I have taught him
to dream and to laugh and to sing
not to save
god help us
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Linguistically speaking
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Today
I started to write something two days ago because I hadn't written anything in so long, and I thought I might have something to reveal, but then I just sat there.
I'll stick with stories and keep the poetry at bay where it's been for some time now.
A week ago my ego got the better of me and I found myself releasing contempt on a stranger attempting to collect on a bill I believed was paid. It was only for $25, but the medical billing process is a Rube Goldberg machine with only some of the intricate machinery showing on any given invoice.
I invested a lot of energy into the notion that I was being wronged, and feeling deeply the meal on the table that $25 represents. It's so rare for me to lose my poise and grace and even rarer for me to abuse a stranger who likely makes less money than I do and who is just doing her job. So there was remorse about that, then karmic events on the heels of that. The next day someone tried to use my debit card number to buy $600 worth of merchandise at a Meijer in Royal Oak. (My bank was onto them from the start, thankfully, and blocked the transactions.)
Yesterday I sent a thank you email to three employees who gave input on a document I was preparing. The third person to give feedback gave much more valuable, substantive feedback than the other two, but I thanked them together. An hour later the woman of the best feedback sent me email noting that I had listed her name last, and how that implied I valued her feedback the least. I simply listed the names in the order in which they had provided the feedback. The accusation from this woman I've known for 25 years was completely unexpected, out of the blue. She's indulging a compulsive insecurity about her worth and imposing it onto a neutral pattern. That felt familiar though. I think I just did something like that. Going down the stairs of my work building shortly thereafter, I looked upward and whispered "When are you going to deliver me from this?" Knowing full well that "this" is life, and I don't feel all that ready for delivery/deliverance just yet.
I'll stick with stories and keep the poetry at bay where it's been for some time now.
A week ago my ego got the better of me and I found myself releasing contempt on a stranger attempting to collect on a bill I believed was paid. It was only for $25, but the medical billing process is a Rube Goldberg machine with only some of the intricate machinery showing on any given invoice.
I invested a lot of energy into the notion that I was being wronged, and feeling deeply the meal on the table that $25 represents. It's so rare for me to lose my poise and grace and even rarer for me to abuse a stranger who likely makes less money than I do and who is just doing her job. So there was remorse about that, then karmic events on the heels of that. The next day someone tried to use my debit card number to buy $600 worth of merchandise at a Meijer in Royal Oak. (My bank was onto them from the start, thankfully, and blocked the transactions.)
Yesterday I sent a thank you email to three employees who gave input on a document I was preparing. The third person to give feedback gave much more valuable, substantive feedback than the other two, but I thanked them together. An hour later the woman of the best feedback sent me email noting that I had listed her name last, and how that implied I valued her feedback the least. I simply listed the names in the order in which they had provided the feedback. The accusation from this woman I've known for 25 years was completely unexpected, out of the blue. She's indulging a compulsive insecurity about her worth and imposing it onto a neutral pattern. That felt familiar though. I think I just did something like that. Going down the stairs of my work building shortly thereafter, I looked upward and whispered "When are you going to deliver me from this?" Knowing full well that "this" is life, and I don't feel all that ready for delivery/deliverance just yet.
Monday, April 6, 2015
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