The Whole She Bang

I just read the whole shebang backward, this blog.  So yeah, the early stuff is the best to relive.  There's a dwindling down, and then a slow grind to a halt, then a long hiatus.  So many reasons for that long break.  I was down to what I suspected was zero readers.  I was starting to repeat myself.  So I posted a pathetic, lonely-ass poem about my dead cat and my imaginary lover and closed the curtain for a while.  And stopped writing altogether, until the belligerent (not belligerent really, just belligerent for Tracy, who is the sweetest person, cute and adorable, but beyond sick of her own shtick) reentry of last Tuesday. 

Making puzzles, learning the discipline from someone truly caring, inspiring and uncompromising, moments of unbelievable grace, hoping for acceptance, to find my place in a sky full of stars, all of this was bliss.  Reading through 2012 through 2014 reminds me of the magic that was energizing my daily life back then.  My dreams were rich, my insights were exploding, synchronicities were piling up, and my poems were fucking fantastic (no seriously, I cannot believe I wrote those poems, Jesus).

Real life got more real.  My child became an over-scheduled, beautiful teenager in need of direction.  Puzzle-making became business.  I found myself with almost no time or space I could call mine without negotiating or paying an emotional price.  I started giving things up.  The nation itself seemed to give up all hope and dream, come November, and became this cynical embarrassment.  Most recently I quit singing, first the chorus, then the lessons, because my voice is just stuck in my heart these days. 

I think I'll just start writing again as a way of recovering my voice, but for me this time, no reader in mind.

Long Time, No See

I just cashed a big reality check
and I'm gonna spend every bit of the dividend on myself

For a long time, I longed
long into sleepless nights
dreaming and not dreaming
but now I see

through a glass darkly, yes
thanks for your help

this is not a poem
I just want to say a thing obliquely

but I also just want to say
fuck it.

You name it

At home, I keep this space clear on my dresser, in case my old cat jumps the gap from the bed to that spot.  And back again.  Like she used to.

At the hotel, I request a microwave for my room.  Popcorn for one.  I pretend to savor this time alone.
 
What am I missing?

A little orange cat, strong arms, sweet nothings.

You name it.

Dreams

Lately my dreams arrive with biblical bumper stickers.

My father's house has many rooms.
A little child shall lead them.

After a long hiatus, I'm back to dreams in which I liberate children who've been wrongfully imprisoned under false pretenses.  Often a teenage girl and her little brother.  I might become the girl escaping with the brother, with help that arrives from outside.  It's fluid, it's a dream.

Two years ago, in an unforgettable dream, a savior pulls up in a 1970s station wagon just when we need him.  He helps us get away from that awful institution in a hurry.  He's young, he's handsome, he's kind, he's strong, and he's existentially good.

He hands me a business card and says, with a smile of pure light:

"I am from the Church of the Northern Star..."

Since then I've felt that I have access to real help, the kind I need, when I really need it.

Mostly Blue

her colors are mostly blue 
devoted, I fine-sort these hues

she is a black child, with eyes so blue I gasp
she will echo every admiring word
then she will laugh and hug my neck

this is the best feeling I've had
in so long
both of us laughing

in later dreams
she is with missionaries
and not where she belongs

this is a deep game
to know this girl belongs with me
if I can bring her home
 
















 

So and So

I love you. So?

I love you so.

eclipsed

shadow on the moon 
you will not last

lush darkness has its time 
crossing my heart

then I am bright again
some call it beautiful

but all this beaming
isn't me

i never shine
until caressed by light