The Whole She Bang

I just read the whole shebang backward, this blog.  So yeah, the early stuff is the best to relive.  There's a dwindling down, and then a slow grind to a halt, then a long hiatus.  So many reasons for that long break.  I was down to what I suspected was zero readers.  I was starting to repeat myself.  So I posted a pathetic, lonely-ass poem about my dead cat and my imaginary lover and closed the curtain for a while.  And stopped writing altogether, until the belligerent (not belligerent really, just belligerent for Tracy, who is the sweetest person, cute and adorable, but beyond sick of her own shtick) reentry of last Tuesday. 

Making puzzles, learning the discipline from someone truly caring, inspiring and uncompromising, moments of unbelievable grace, hoping for acceptance, to find my place in a sky full of stars, all of this was bliss.  Reading through 2012 through 2014 reminds me of the magic that was energizing my daily life back then.  My dreams were rich, my insights were exploding, synchronicities were piling up, and my poems were fucking fantastic (no seriously, I cannot believe I wrote those poems, Jesus).

Real life got more real.  My child became an over-scheduled, beautiful teenager in need of direction.  Puzzle-making became business.  I found myself with almost no time or space I could call mine without negotiating or paying an emotional price.  I started giving things up.  The nation itself seemed to give up all hope and dream, come November, and became this cynical embarrassment.  Most recently I quit singing, first the chorus, then the lessons, because my voice is just stuck in my heart these days. 

I think I'll just start writing again as a way of recovering my voice, but for me this time, no reader in mind.